And the winner is...

Gents,

The Piss Poor Golfers Association held its 2005 PPGA Championship on Sunday, Aug. 28 at Quincy's Westview Golf Course.

Here are the scores:

Schuckman 84
DOB 88
Duerr 88
Ervin 93
Crim 94
Husar 99
Weast 109
Hausdorf 123

Two ex-offico members were in the field. Hart had a 76, while Mahon shot an 80 as they both played up to their 'A' standard. Two others who had committed backed out on Sunday morning - Shawn Altgilbers and Kerry Anders. Anders had called the course to cancel, while who really expected a college kid like Altgilbers getting up before noon on a Sunday anyway?

Schuckman's steady play helped him grab to the title. The Big Red Head had nothing higher than a 6 on his card, made five pars and posted a birdie 4 on No. 5. Making the feat even more impressive was the fact he was playing with loaner clubs. The police are still trying to help Schuck find his old set, which was lifted from his front yard. Damn, Quincy's a hard town. Schuckman's round was the second-most impressive round played with loaner clubs by a PPGA member this season. No. 1 on the list you might ask? Well, the Commish had to play with loaners at Augusta National in April and made a birdie on No. 15 with those clubs. Had Schuck had a caddy like "Doc" he may have broken 80.

As expected, Hausdorf came back after a long layoff to reclaim the PPGA "Hardcore" championship that is his birthrite. The mayor of Canton, Mo., shot a sparkling 123. However, he didn't have the worst hole of the day. He carded nothing higher than a 9.

He was bettered by both Husar and EE, who was shamed into playing. Of course, Ervin couldn't make it through a PPGA Championship without making some type of headline. EE and "Hard Luck" Husar, which is what Weast calls him, both made 10 on No. 17.

To further show how great the PPGA is, Husar bounced back by closing with a birdie on No. 18, while Ervin made a par on the home hole. Husar's bird helped keep him in double digits, while EE's par helped him edge Crim.

Greenie money was evenly split between EE, O'Brien, who as the only one to validate his greenie by making the birdie putt on No. 9, Weast and Hart.

Slappy of the day? Where should I start?

Weast for showing up hung over? But that's nothing really new.

Then there was Hausdorf who was standing on the tee at No. 2 and had Mahon ask the O'Brien-Hart-Weast group if they had seen Hausdorf's driver on the tee at No. 1. When DOB-Hart-Weast got to the No. 2 tee box, Hausdorf's driver was lying on a bench.

Weast had another Slappy moment by using a Crim hand wedge on No. 17. The first PPGA hand wedge since Crim invented the move at Camp Point a few years ago.

But the last Slappy move of the day took the cake. Teeing off near the tee standards all day finally caught up to Schuckman on the home hole. While teeing off on No. 18, Schuckman not only struck his ball, but also connected with one of the heavy tee box markers and sent it a good 25 feet. Schuckman paid dearly for his hit as he may have reinjured his shoulder on the hit.

With that came the end of another PPGA season. Who knows if we'll do a silly season event or not. If we can find enough A players to carry our sorry butts maybe we could do a two-person best ball event or something.

If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave a comment.

Until next time,

The Commish

Pairings are here!!

Gents,

Some more exciting news on Saturday prior to the PPGA Championship. After taking much abuse, Eric Ervin has decided to play in Sunday's event to fill out the 12-person field.

The 11th member of the group is former Galesburg Pioneers star (and H-W part-timer) Shawn Altgilbers.

Here are the pairings. Tee times start at 9:38, which will start with Group 1 below.

I've made people into A, B, C and D players. If you don't like your standing, prove me wrong.

Group 1
A-Hart, B-Crim, C-DOB, D-Husar

Group 2
A-Mahon, B-Ervin, C-Duerr, D-Weast

Group 3
A-Anders, B-Schuckman, C-Altgilbers, D-Hausdorf

Remember to bring $4 for greenies and we'll probably play a game of 3-2-1 as well,which will cost an extra $3.

We'll see you tomorrow.

The Commish

Major news!!!

Lew Stowers and his drunken sidekick will provide color commentary of Sunday's PPGA Championship

Gents,

Some major movement on the eve of the PPGA Championship.

On Thursday afternoon, the league office got a commitment from the "Hard Core legend" himself, George Hausdorf. After saving the city of Canton from tornadoes and floods and drunken co-eds, George will make his first PPGA appearance since Joe Charles Field House was turned into a pancake.

The only thing that could be better is if the soon-to-be married Jeff Rabjohns made a return appearance.

(By the way, the news of the impending Rabby nuptials, which will happen in 2006, brought this response from Crim. "What? Does he have to wait for her to graduate high school?" A classic zinger from the master.)

However, not all the news was good for the PPGA on Thursday. For the first time (possibly ever) we won't have to wait for Noodlehauser to look for his lost balls and slow down play for the entire day. Noodle has fought valiantly through an Achilles' injury, but just can't make it a go on Sunday. That denied us a classic Hausdorf-Noodle pairing on Sunday, a matchup that would rank right up there with the Hulkster vs. HBK when it comes to the PPGA.

As a result, we have 10 folks in for Sunday and have spots for two more. Again, first-come, first-served. We're teeing off around 9:30. Please email the Commish if you'd like to join our reindeer games.

Thank you, drive through.

PPGA championship update

Gents,

Since my last email, we've been hit with a flurry of commitments for Sunday's PPGA championships.

The roster so far ...
The Commish
Hart
Husar (yes, Husar)
Duerr
Noodle
Schuck
Weast
Crim
Mahon

We have three spots left open. First come, first served. Our tee times are at 9:36, 9:45 and 9:54.

One person who won't be there is Ervin, who is still suffering from pussitis. Not having Ervin at the PPGA Championship is a good thing.

Let's go back through the years, shall we?

2001 —Because his beloved Bears are coming on, EE leaves the course after 14 holes to watch the Bears. Didn't help that he was playing like crap, but you should never pull a McVey when you don't have to. Especially when it's to watch the freaking Bears.

2002— In an unsuccessful attempt to overthrow the Commish, Ervin decides we're going to play 19-27 for our back nine. What a mess! He even tried to blame poor old Gordon Pasley for shipping us to the back nine. Easily the slimiest (sp?) move ever in the history of the PPGA.

2003 — Playing in a driving rainstorm, the PPGAers only get in 9 holes. Scores went through the roof as Gough (yes, Gough) tied for the title that day with Schuette. After finding out he was just strokes away from beating Crim for the season-long title, EE whines that we should finish the rest of our round. Nevermind the fact he missed two events earlier in the season where he could have made up ground on Crim. That solidified his Slappy of the Year status.

2004— Ervin wins Slappy of the Week honors after we found out he was with his wife and kids in Springfield shopping when he was supposed to be on the first tee with the rest of us. By backing out, EE also secured the season-long title over Crim, thus giving Ervin the most tainted championship since the Royals' World Series win in 1985.

2005 —Saying he has to study for some insurance test, EE is backing out of the PPGA Championship. "I don't have five hours to waste," he said. Since when did he become a scholar? First, football, then his family and now work is more important than golf. What's next?

Maybe this?

2006 — EE has to skip the season-ending PPGA Championships because he's getting the rest of his surgery done, transforming the once-proud man into a woman. Word on the streets is he's going for 38 DDDs.

If you're interested in joining the fun this weekend without EE, email me.

The Commish

Shuler Stableford report

The PPGA met on Saturday, Aug. 13 for the annual Shuler Stableford event at plush Norwoods Golf Course in Hannibal, Mo.

Once again, we put the modified modified Stableford scoring system into effect. Eagles were worth 8 points, birdies 5, pars 2, bogey 0, double bogey -1 and triple bogey on up -3. (By the way, we'd better affix a point total to a double eagle someday. Never know when someone will make an Al. B. Tross.)

The PPGA was delighted to be joined by former professional and Illinois high school state champion Ryan Graff, who made his PPGA debut - as an ex-officio member, of course. Graff was one of three ex-officios who made the trip south. Long-time PPGA boosters Rodney Hart and John Lavery also made the trip. Each ex-officio was made a team captain for our 3-2-1 game.

Graff proved to be more Mark James than Hal Sutton with his selections. (Of course, it helped that he could actually play, too.) As a result, the foursome of Graff, Chuck Mahon, Brent Noodlehauser and Mr. Augusta dominated the 3-2-1 competition with a 139 total, a full 12 shots better than the other teams of Hart-Chris Duerr-Matt Schuckman and Lavery-Kevin Murphy-Trent Schutte-Don Crim, who each tied at 151.

As for the individual competition (we'll get to the ex-officio's later), Murphy played his way into a one-tournament suspension after carding a 4-over 76, which translated into a +33 in the modified modified Stableford scoring system. That score is way too good for a PPGAer, I don't care if it is on your home course. As a result, Murphy will be an ex-officio in the next PPGA event he plays in.

One side note about Murphy's round that came up after he left. The Commish heard that he improperly used a mulligan in the fairway, which is an egregious violation of PPGA rules. Remember, you get one mulligan per nine and they can only be used on the tee box. I was ready to DQ Murphy for this. Instead, he gets the coveted Slappy of the Week award for his deed. He steals Slappy honors right out from underneath Eric Ervin, who missed the event with a serious case of "pussitis."

Here's a rundown of results (with stroke score)
Murphy +33 (76)
Mahon +29 (77)
T. Schutte +13 (86)
Schuckman +10 (86)
Crim +8 (87)
Duerr +6 (89)
O'Brien +5 (90)
Noodlehauser -6 (100)

Miraculously, Graff didn't fall into the abyss of the PPGA and shot a 3-under 69 (the first sub-par PPGA round ever), which translated into a +44 in the scoring system. By the way, the over/under on number of rounds it will take for Graff to get his game back in order after watching us play is three.

Hart finished at 79, a +20, while Lavery was also at +20 after his 81.

As you can see from the above scores, Murphy isn't the only player being thrown into the penalty box. Mahon's steady round, which included a 1-over 37 on the inward nine, will get him into ex-officio status for one event. Remember, you break then you're too good for us. We'd like to have you play, but we can't count your scores.

Though his team didn't win squat, Crim was the big winner on his anniversary. The anti-Ervin, check that, the anti-Marth won two greenies worth $22. There was no truth to the rumor that he was going to blow the dough on lap dances at the Green Parrott on the way home. Graff and Murphy also won greenies, each worth $11.

Playing on a bum leg, not to mention a bum game, Noodlehauser won the hardcore title with his C-note. The most amazing aspect of Noodle's round was that he only went into the woods once to look for a ball. He wound up ruining his new shirt, too. There has to be some poetic justice there.

The Commish will take credit for shot of the day. Using a mulligan off the tee (yes, off the tee only, Murphy!) on No. 2, yours truly zipped his shot into a post near the women's tee box. At that point, Graff made mental notes to tell his First Tee kids what not to do.

The PPGA is off until Aug. 28 when we have the PPGA Championship at Westview Golf Course. If interested in playing, email me or leave a comment on this post and I'll count you in.

I'll try to get stats of our first three events and this one put together and post at a later time.

Until then, check in on the PPGA's new web site for tour updates ... and other stuff.

The Commish

Baseball thoughts

Glad to see the Cubs fans getting excited about winning two straight games over the Cardinals. Just think, 17 more wins in a row (coupled with 17 straight St. Louis losses) and the Cubs will be tied for first place. Should be an exciting September. Not really.

Which ending was worse? Anaheim's K-Rod dropping a ball thrown back from his catcher to lose a game or Michael Barrett failing to run a Met back to third base at Shea a few weeks back, which brought home the winning run.

Who do you boo harder? Raffy Palmeiro or Kenny Rogers.

Could the Gems be better than the Kansas City Royals?

Welcome, fools!

Welcome to the new on-line home of the PPGA. I'll attempt to post all old releases on this site. I'll try to keep things as up-to-date as possible. That's been a problem this year, I know.

If you have any questions, leave a comment.